"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Indian Airways.
We apologise for the four day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery of my uncle.
This is flight one-two-six to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will be ending up somewhere in India. And if luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village!
Indian Airways is having an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to flying with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have been reaching their destination. For the ones that don't quiet make it, Indian Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin.
Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy briefing you on our out of court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange turning them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God.
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to flight six five nine from Air India, and their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system of the engines telling us to slow down. Free life jacket are positioned under your seats, but please return them to our staff after use. Free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps.
In order to catching important landmarks, we try to flying as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know.
Kindly be seated, keeping your seat in an upright position for take off and fastening your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate getting in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase. As your suitcase will be missing, please contact the "Lost and Never Found" desk in New Delhi airport, where we will serve you with a complimentary cup of tea.
Sorry, but I will not be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit.
Thank you for choosing Indian Airways. Have a nice journey.